I’m a daydreamer.
I mean, aren’t we all? There’s that moment, split second or five minutes, while you’re waiting for someone to get to the car or for the line to disappear at the supermarket, and there you dream. You hope. You get excited for something in the future, or something that could happen.
Then you want to slap yourself– because why hope for something so far in the future? Why dream about something that may never happen? Why look forward to living in that country, being with that friend again, or even farther ahead, that wedding day or even holding your own kids? (I mean, I’m a preschool teacher, so it’s a little more common to see little nuggets!). But why get excited for that now?
Oh, it’s healthy to hope.
However, lately, I found myself hoping far ahead, leaving the present and near future as untouched as a diseased tissue. I never let myself anticipate the next day, the next week, or the next few months.
Well, if I got excited about the next few months– I could get disappointed just as soon. Dreaming about my far future is safe– even if it’s vague and unrealistic. It’s safe, because I won’t be let down. I don’t have to face the pain of next week not turning out the way I hoped. It’s safe, because it will takes years for my dreams to prove faulty, unfulfilled.
In short, I became emotionally detached from today.
It’s a survival mechanism, isn’t it? It saved me from the pain of potential disappointment of life here in New Zealand. Yet, it also stole my capacity to get excited for the gifts Jesus had for me in the present (yes, pun intended!).
Then? Softly, softly… the voice tiptoed into my winter morning last week, shivering in the no-central-heating cold and delighting at the countryside view from my bedroom window.
I will be faithful to you. Kayla. You can trust me with that. So, what are you excited about this week? Tell me about that. I know what you are excited about years down the line is “safer” for you to think about. I know you get confronted with a lot of stuff when you think about the present. I know you’re in denial of your own pain. But Kayla, if you deny your present now you deny your joy, too. Do not deny your joy now.
And you know what surprised me?
Every time I found myself thinking far ahead (which, understand me, is not always a bad thing!)… I stopped myself, and answered Jesus’ question:
And… there was actually a lot to be stoked about. Heaps of things I could giggle over. I mean, when people pray joyand fun over this season of life, well, I guess you’ll start to see it! Whether it’s walks to the Waimapu River, or driving over to the YWAM Bethlehem house to hang out with my friends, or the cuddles with three-year-olds and sprinting around like I’m three, too– oh, there’s so much joy in the present if I stop and look for it.
Yes, it’s still scary sometimes. Adventures might not work out, friends might be busy, the preschoolers might be screaming their heads off… but oh, I’m learning to hope. To bring my gutted disappointments to Jesus, in the present, and trust again that His intentions for me are good.
So, I’m a daydreamer. Yes, I know there will be so much joy in the years, and the life, to come.
However, Jesus is fulfilling so many of my dreams today– I don’t want to miss Him.