It’s hard for me to write on my blog right now.
First full day back in my hometown of Kona, Hawaii after almost ten months. I do not yet understand why I’m so hesitant to type. Commence writing– in order to discover why for you and me.
Emotions run rampant, like a group of toddlers on a new playground. (Have you ever seen that? It comes from my past experience as a nanny). It looks like: Bumps and bruises. Laughter and joy. Such fun and craziness. However, Kona is not a new place to be, it is so familiar. Everything around me– from the distant sounds of Queen K highway, to the SLAM of a Hualalai Village screen door– they all shout with joyful jubilation, “Do you remember me?! Do you remember me?!”. Over the past 24 hours I have found myself constantly reminiscing. Being somewhere that I am known had actually become the unfamiliar to me. After 10 months, I’m not used to people understanding where I’m from! Here, it’s all right in front of us. Therefore, a soft whisper of a feeling persists as I’m facing the west wall of my old bedroom… I am home.
Yes, yes, I am a TCK and the fact that I feel at home here does not discount my New Zealand heritage or how I feel so much at home in Bethlehem, too. I just have two homes now. However, I have to remind myself that though I have Kiwi citizenship, I spent more than 18 years in this town. Culture runs deeper than I thought! Travels slotted in between, yes, but I grew up here. Under the shade of Hualalai mountain. And though I desperately try to belong to some aspects of New Zealand culture, I have to accept, no, I am Hawaiian. A haole Hawaiian, but a local-haole-girl at that. Born and raised. From the Big Island. Singing IZ’s classic Somewhere Over the Rainbow, not some unknown classic NZ song on their radio! I’m not called to Hawaii long term, but I come from here. And that is important.
I think it’s hard for me to write in these times because I feel like I have nothing to offer. I’m trying to take in all these things and process them for me to make sense of the world, and don’t know if people will understand. I’m not fishing for compliments (right now at least! Oh Lord forgive my future pride with this blog!). God is reminding me of the countless times when I’ve been myself, and it was then that people were impacted. Me being who God made me to be. And if I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that it’s alright to be myself. It’s more than alright, however, it’s vital.
Who are you? I don’t know exactly. I picture a handful of girls in my mind, some who tell me occasionally they read my blog and put likes on it. But what I know for sure, is that if your emotions are touched by my writing, 1) it’s the Holy Spirit, and 2) something connects to who you are. (Oh there’s a 3rd category, my teachers trained me to write well and all about ethos, logos, and pathos… but that stuff can be boring unless you are a writer and God uses all that so much). What I say or what anyone says makes sense and touches hearts… because God opens us up and shows us our identity in Him.
Go spend some time in the prayer room and ask Him who you are. Because, seriously, that’s what’s getting me through all of this mess of goodness and transition. It’s so good. Well, not “it’s”. HE. He’s so good. And I’m found in His arms, a little daughter, His precious princess. He’s so good to me. I want to know Him more now. Love you all.
Photo credit: Facebook application… I forget the name! Friend map finder or something. I took it a few years ago now? All my relationships stemming from Hawaii, the dot in the middle of the Pacific. 🙂