You all know the scene. A guy is asking a girl how she’s doing and she is saying she is fine. Obviously there’s something more, there’s something wrong. But she won’t say anything. And because this guy is a complete legend, he is asking her again, even though she doesn’t deserve the attention. Just tell him!!! The onlookers want to scream at her. But she just sits there pretending she’s fine, and she has just about convinced herself she is.

That girl is me. 

The funny thing is, Jesus knows exactly what ails me. He knows exactly what I’m trying to avoid talking about and He knows what makes me grumpy. What I’ve discovered in my relationship with Him (oh, how much more I have to learn!) is that He’s waiting for me to own up to it. He is so patient. He is waiting to see if I will be honest with Him about my own heart.

The funny thing is, we try to pretend that He doesn’t know. Well, at least I do. And because of that I will be in denial about the things that are affecting me, and in that denial? I block out the one whom I love the most. It looks like this. I try not to offend Him by not telling him that I have a crush on a TV show character or even admire someone real. Then I hide in my denial and pretend to graduate to more spiritual matters in our time together. Disgusting. All the while, Jesus is just sitting there asking me with such tenderness, “Kayla, how are you doing?” Fine, fine, I say. 

Well, not exactly. HELLO?! After His kind persistence– my heart finally melts. God I feel this way blahahahlbjlahlja and he ljlsejl and blahahab I really really love New Zealand a lot what about Cambodia too blhahahlahh heart-mushhh teaching blahhh… I LOVE you. I really actually do. Amen.

Pause. I wait.

Well, and there He is. Waiting with a smile, a hug, and advice on how to deal with my little areas of the heart. Which in the big scheme of society shouldn’t “matter”. But we’re not talking about some teeny-bopper relationship that downgrades honesty in even the little things. We are talking about God. Who said “Be perfect as I am perfect”. Who loves us. He isn’t offended by our distractions, He isn’t frustrated at our shortcomings, but He wants to just wants us to bring those things to Him. Steadfast love and faithfulness. He knows what’s the matter. He just wants to let you know He cares, and He cannot do that until you own up to yourself. 

At least that’s what I’ve discovered. The days when my morning quiet times are totally stifled and dry– it’s when I’m not being completely honest with God. Of course, willingness to be honest comes from trusting in the person. You can’t trust someone you don’t know. But trust me, for a moment– even if you don’t know me– God loves you and when you are straight-out honest with Him? You begin to see how He is utterly trustworthy. (for example, He is not going to post a status on Facebook about your secrets) (But then again– consider prophetic friends who listen to Him and help you… but that’s another story haha)

The funny thing is, my logics training would say that this trust-honesty combination is just some fallacious circular reasoning. Hah. God uses the foolish things to confound the wise. And for the longest time, I thought I was pretty wise. Guess not. More vulnerability, Lord. 

So this man is asking this girl how she’s doing. And all of a sudden? She’s not afraid anymore to tell him about what she’s feeling. Because she has realized, woah, He loves me. No matter what. And I love Him. I’d say that’s what it’s all about.