Wednesday: Nannying. One of the reasons I get so aggravated when she doesn’t go down for a nap is because I don’t get my alone time. Surely I deserve such a lovely break!
Let me rewind. As a general routine, after lunch we play a little then I walk her in her stroller so she falls asleep for her afternoon nap. But today, after we had picked up the few toys (which is usually a feat in itself)and said “let’s go!” I felt specifically from God I wasn’t supposed to go outside. Quite often I listen to the Holy Spirit for those little things. He loves us so much that he does care about the details or our day. Yet today I just thought it was too little.
Of course, He said not to go outside, and as soon as I try to persuade Him out of it… I realize it’s probably going to rain… and so there am I with the stroller, trundling up the hill next to our apartment buildings, hoping she’ll fall asleep, and it starts pitter-pattering harder and harder and harder. In my simple rebellion, I thought oh getting wet is not a big deal at all.
So after just getting a bit damp, we go inside and she was remarkably sparky and excited, and I just wanted to chill. Therefore I was a tad grumpy. I had forgotten God, and the weather, are on a different routine than my own.
Of course, if I simply obeyed and stayed inside, I would have seen the fruit of obedience five minutes later. But yes, it was me, I wanted my routine to work. I’m the one who wanted a rest. Barely a thought to the little girl who has been sick and without her mother. With drool dripping down her face, how can I be the slightest bit angry? Is it because I thought I had made progress and she slipped back into other habits? I was confused, muddled, desperate to talk to God but I did not know it. And of course, the moment disobedience had started, so had my “bad day”.
But God is so ultimately kind! It was pouring with rain for quite some time, Amy needed more chill play time, and then she had to go to the bathroom. Sleeping in a stink wouldn’t be fun, would it? So an hour and a half postponed nap? No big deal, I see that now. I realized I cannot rely on that restful nap time to fill me up. It’s communication with God and obedience in the little things that will get me through whatever comes my way.
Thankfully, I finally put aside me. Me, the one whose pride in my clean-up routine would have been hurt if I decided to stay inside. Newsflash, this job isn’t about me.
So when I was out walking her in the stroller the second time, I had the conviction, I am in your will once more. When it started to spit raindrops again? I had the confidence, no, it will not rain, I am in God’s will.
Then I started to pray for myself, pray that I would not be discouraged, and realized that the moment my day had started going bad was the moment I relied on myself. That had been earlier that morning with another small situation. I had wasted time in delay, and was in a funk. Why? Disobedience. With that realization, I felt horrible. I said sorry, sorry, sorry.
See, I had tried to convince myself for once that this little thing really didn’t matter, because it didn’t have life and death meaning, right? I guess not life and death in this situation. But my whole perception of a day changes with God. He loves me so much that He wants me to be joyful, daily. The joy that comes following Him at all times.
So as I strolled Amy in confidence, praying out desperately that I would not be discouraged by my humanness. . . I was reminded what faith it takes to believe that God forgives me and loves me just the same. It’s so easy to revel in self-pity, forgetting the power of repentance and forgiveness. No. I will not be discouraged.
I believe. You love me.
She fell asleep.