“I don’t feel as old as I am supposed to be.”

I commented to Angel and Lexi, the only other seniors on the soccer team. They empathized. We didn’t feel like it was really our turn to be honored, to be leaving.

It was our last home game of the season, playoffs are next week. We were showered with leis and floaties and crowns and other miscellaneous items. Including a plastic dinosaur dubbed as Donald.

Both the boys and the girls lost their games but we played with heart and we played for Jesus and though I was tempted by my own negativity I still tried to pray in free moments. Pray without ceasing is a work in progress. But I enjoy God. So it’s a delightful process.

What kept running through my mind was a quote from Biblical Leadership class.

Only one life,
Twill soon be past-
Only what’s done
For Christ shall last.

To think that it took me eleven years of playing soccer to realize that it is a radical platform to proclaim God’s glory. I hid in such fear and shame that I was afraid even to mention I didn’t want to play Sunday games because we had church. I watched in awkward silence at girls who were falling, and was so uncomfortable in my difference. White, Christian, home-schooler. . . either the youngest in the division or the oldest. I suppose I should not be hard on myself for I have been just a child. I knew Christ, I loved Christ. . . but that love had not yet grown so strong that it spilled in through every compartment of my life. I dreamed that I could quietly live out my faith and someone could ask me one day why I was different and I would heroically tell them it was Jesus and win that person to him.

And oh, I wasted time. Sharing your faith is extremely awkward and boldness is a gift I wish to have. I’ve discovered I still have such an opinion of myself that I don’t want to look weird while proclaiming the one I love.

Just not with everything. It will be a continued process and I just need continued humiliation in order to walk in humility. Jesus wasn’t afraid to say the hard thing. Why am I?

There’s still self, me, poop, all in the way.

Only what’s done for Christ shall last.

The prayers I prayed for each school we played, however feeble, will last. God hears. God listens. God answers. All we must do is be obedient and faithful. My dream is that I can be so in love that nothing can stop me from thinking about Jesus. Because I love him. OH HOW I LOVE HIM. I am so worthless but he still loves me oh I love that, I enjoy his heart.

Maybe I am so old. Maybe this is from the overflow of a normal senior’s process of growing up. But I know it is also Christ’s miraculous work in me, even over the past week. For you that is reading this, know these words are seasoned with tears and doused with a thankful heart. Know that Christ has the power to change with simply love. I like that.