“What do you want?”
The question haunts me as I try to shut down my heart.
All the while, there is a stronger voice whispering: Awaken, awaken.
For far too long I treated my inherent desires as evil, selfish, ridiculous.
I disastrously agreed with the Enemy who wanted me to believe that what I wanted was too “bookish”, nerdy, and insignificant. I strained to become a pseudo-extrovert who knew “people” but did not know my own heart. Sadly, I succeeded in doing so.
For that, I mourn.
In high school years I wrote to process what I was going through, but if you asked me what I wanted to do with my free time it became very fuzzy. Hang out with friends. Go on adventures. Or. Stay at home. Go on Facebook. No one actually asked me what I really wanted to do. I had homework! Soccer practice! Chores! Choked by the actual suffocation of desire, I never let myself fight for what I longed for.
That’s been changing.
When someone asks you what you really want, all your addictions and petty procrastinations start to pale in comparison to your dreams. Yet dreams seem so fleeting, unattainable, like that rainbow that you cannot grasp but looks pretty all the same. It moves when you move and it shines when the sun comes out, and rain is still falling, falling, somewhere in the distance.
Yet rainbows were never meant to be dreams in themselves, but a symbol of the promise of God. They show us that He keeps His word, that He fulfills His promises. Isn’t that worth fighting for?
“He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.” -Psalm 145:19, NIV
For this, I rejoice.
Do not worry about admitting what you want. It’s in the voicing of your heart that you will begin to awaken. I certainly have felt the transformation. A whole lot less obligation, and whole lot more love.
All because one man, Jesus, has been continuously asking me one question.
Come on, lovely ones. Wake up.
What do you want?
[Photos taken in New Lynn, Auckland, New Zealand on 22 June, 2013]
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