It’s embarrassing to read “Why do I Procrastinate?” and realize my approach to one particular task over the past couple days.
Beforehand, I wrote it out all beautifully, I got the concept! People were encouraged! I realized I was a perfectionist and let go of the need to be totally proper- and it worked! I didn’t procrastinate anymore…. in essay writing.
Life in school holidays is a little more free-and-easy than 4:30pm drop-offs.
So what does my perfectionist self do without a deadline?
She… umm… cough, procrastinates. Or, gets so stuck in the photo design of her Pages document, that tearing her own self away from the Macbook screen “just for a break” is like tearing away duct tape from arm hair. Ouch– I just made myself cringe.
Because that is what it was. Gross, isn’t it? That we can have 53 views of our blog posts and still be struggling with what we portrayed as conquered?
That realization of weakness makes me wanna type that there is no hope, that we can never fully conquer something.
But that’s totally unbiblical, if you allow me to pull out a saying like that.
We can learn.
It’s just I cannot be so quick to think one lesson has been automatically applied to every area of my life. Learning takes time. A lot more time than I can wrap up in one blog post. And I don’t want to lie to myself or to you saying that I have it all figured out. I mean, I have some things figured out… I think. I have the theory of what I’m writing about, but I need the grace of God just like you to carry it through.
That means we have to learn together.
We need accountability together.
And the reason why I procrastinated with writing my support letters for Tahiti was the whole perfectionist thing, and my lack of application of lessons learned. Shift the skill set over, darling! Yet most of all, I procrastinated because I did not have the accountability of a deadline. . . and more importantly, of a community.
Though I shouldn’t say that. I didn’t lack community! Anna texted me multiple times and my mother consistently encouraged me to get started via email and Facetime. However, the set boundaries of a school, and the raw community of family and friends are very different. We need to learn how to hold each other up, but also how to stand on our own two feet when “4:30pm” is irrelevant– learning to listen to those raw relationships.
We need to know why we do the things we do, and why we avoid the things we do. Our family and friends tell us these things, they show us our hearts. And our hearts are important things. They are the parts of us that are crying out through all of this.
I didn’t get everything right, but I didn’t get everything wrong, either.
We need to realize this a little more. I don’t mean our right outweighs our wrong, far from it. God’s mercy is a never-ending river washing over our hearts and it’s a good thing to remember how in debt we are. Yet we didn’t get it all wrong, too. What do you want? I can bet ten to one if you really answered that question and looked at your intentions, you’d realize, too, that Jesus has given you a heart of flesh by the New Covenant and He made your heart good. (Read Waking the Dead and you’ll see this even more).
You were not made to procrastinate, let me just tell you that.
You were made to love, not avoid, and you were made to face problems head on and to endure through them and grow because of it.
You know that. Your heart rejoices every time you watch a movie with a character who presses on through the storm. Your heart knows this!
So let Him in. Only Christ knows the healing that needs to take place, the wounds that need to be exposed. Only He knows who you are and your specific joys and giftings and loves… and only He knows how those portraits of His character are going to be displayed through you. Let Him love you! Oh, let Him love us!
Why let Jesus into your heart? Well, I can tell you this, before writing this post I wasn’t feeling too proud of myself and my time management skills. Now? You’re here, with me. And we can learn how to skip stones on Putaruru rivers and write support letters on time together. You see now?
It’s only in Him that an embarrassing confession of weakness is used as a strength.
“But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” –Matthew 24:13 (ESV)
I love you all.
Photo credit: My lovely Michaela Rose; Putaruru, New Zealand, March 2013